


In A Place Where We Only Say Goodbye

by colorfullysarah



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, character death ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 01:28:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorfullysarah/pseuds/colorfullysarah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk isn't invincible and Leonard McCoy isn't God.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In A Place Where We Only Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I really blame the folks I follow on Tumblr for spawning this fic. I swear I write more than angst, but lately angsty ideas have been coming better than not. Anyway, this has not been beta read again - I really need to find myself someone who can slap me silly over my errors. So for now, I apologize for the errors in this fic! Undoubtedly they'll be fixed in the future at some point. I hope you enjoy this fic! :)

Year one was all about figuring out how to live together and how to function as a crew. Year two was getting into a groove and sticking to it and becoming closer. Year three was all about becoming a family. Year four was changing each other’s lives forever. Year five was the year each of them became seared into each others hearts. 

Now, it was two months until their first five year mission came to an end. And as Leo walked through the halls he could feel both a happiness and a sadness linger in everyone. In the way they walked, in the way they talked, and especially in their eyes. Many of the crew members had family back on Earth or on a colony that they would rush to the moment they were done. Some didn’t have that but were still grateful to be able to go back home wherever it was. 

Leo fell into the former category. He daydreamed about the Georgia summer that he’d go back to, the way the heat and sun would feel on his skin as he walked through the fields on the McCoy farm. 

Jim would sometimes catch him daydreaming and would just smile at him fondly before carrying on with whatever it was he was doing before becoming distracted by Leo. 

Leo cherished those moments despite his grumbles at Jim to stop staring. 

But Leo also had daydreams about he and Jim planetside, Jim at the McCoy farm, Jim caving in and taking Leo to Iowa this time to finally meet his mother and brother. Leo daydreamed about he and Jim christening their new apartment, about maybe trying to put a ring on Jim’s damn finger. 

A week later found Leo performing two emergency surgeries well after his shift was supposed to end. And for the millionth time, Leo silently cursed the fact engineers were so careless at times. By the time they were stabilized and Leo felt confident enough to slip away to his and Jim’s quarters to sleep, it was three hours before the alpha shift started. 

Punching in his code, the door to their quarters opened and Leo shuffled in sluggishly his exhaustion hitting him the moment he stepped a foot inside. Jim stirred on the bed at the sounds and as Leo stripped himself of his scrubs Jim woke up enough to turn his head towards Leo and blink up at him tiredly. “C’mere Bones.” Jim slurred. 

Leo didn’t need to be told twice before he practically flopped onto their bed. He let out a relieved groan as he let his muscles relax. 

“Get under the covers, Bones.” Jim said before Leo could relax completely. 

“Don’t tell me what to do, jackass.” He said, his own words had become sluggish with exhaustion. But he obeyed Jim’s orders and managed to worm his way under the covers. The moment he did, Jim reached out and pulled him close. 

Now Leo allowed himself to completely relax. His content sigh filled the room and Jim tightened his hold on Leo and planted a kiss on his bare shoulder. “If you’re late for your shift, captain won’t be mad. Promise.” Jim murmured against his skin. 

Leo snorted before he pressed his face into Jim’s hair. “Mhmm, I’m sure he won’t.” He could feel Jim’s lips pull up into a smile against his shoulder and Leo felt his own lips pull up into a tired smile as well. 

“Go to sleep.” Jim urged.

And Leo did. 

That was until he and Jim were yanked viciously from their sleep by the ship going into red alert. After five years of this and Leo’s many more years of being a doctor they were both wide awake, cursing under their breaths, and yanking on their uniforms. 

“Captain to the bridge.” 

Spock’s voice filled their quarters and even Leo could hear the tension in the Vulcan’s voice. This made Jim swear louder. He looked over his shoulder at Leo for a brief moment and Leo just raised an eyebrow clearly telling Jim to go and don’t worry about him. 

Once Jim had run off towards the Bridge, Leo made his own dash towards sickbay to prepare for whatever the hell was going on and what deadly consequences could very likely follow. 

Before he could get all the way to sickbay the ship lurched violently and Leo ended up sprawled on the ground painfully. As the ship seemed to steady Leo stumbled to his feet and bolted towards his medical bay now despite the pain in his ankle that felt like it had been sprained. The moment he burst into sickbay he barked out for Chapel. 

“What the hell is going on?” He asked her the moment she appeared from checking on one of the engineers he operated on just hours ago.

“I’m not sure, they haven’t made any broadcasts to tell us why we’re on red alert yet.” She said smoothly. 

Leo grumbled before he made his way into his office and commed Uhura on the bridge figuring Jim was probably too busy trying to deal with whatever made the fucking ship lurch the way it did. It took only a moment for her voice to float over him. “Dr. McCoy.” 

“Can you please enlighten me as to what the hell is going on?” He said gruffly as he watched Chapel strap down patients who wouldn’t be capable of steadying themselves if the ship lurched the way it did earlier again.  
There was a pause before Uhura answered him. “A Klingon ship set a collision course for us, Sulu barely managed to move us out of the way as you probably felt.” 

Leo paused himself this time, gathering his thoughts. “How the fuck did we miss a Klingon ship until it nearly hit the damn ship?” He finally said. 

“It was cloaked, Doctor.” 

Cloaked? Fantastic. 

“Thank you, McCoy out.” 

The comm went silent and Leo took a moment to take a breath. He knew that relations with the Klingons had only gotten worse over the last five years. And he knew when Starfleet sent them out to patrol the Neutral Zone one final time before they took on their last mission that there was potential to run into trouble. Leo had just hoped they wouldn’t. He wanted a peaceful last couple months on this godforsaken ship, but well it wouldn’t be the Enterprise if that actually happened.

With one final grumbled curse, Leo left his office and into a flurry of action as he prepared for just about everything that could go wrong when encountering Klingons. 

He pointedly ignored the pinch in his chest the longer he went without Jim contacting him either as Jim or his captain to tell him what was going on. No, Leo definitely ignored that feeling. When he had done as much as he could - Leo fidgeted as he waited for anything to happen. For some sort of sign they were safe or that they were being attacked. Red alert still whined around them and it put Leo further on edge. 

Finally, Leo’s comm went off and he answered it within a second. “McCoy here.”

“Bones -” Jim’s voice cut out as he heard someone scream something in the background. Leo’s blood turned ice cold at the sound. “Fuck. Lock down the ship, lock it the fuck down, I don’t want them getting off that fucking level. Alert security of the situation. Sulu, Spock you’re going to come with me. Scotty that means you’ll have the conn.”

“Jim.” Leo snapped. 

When Jim answered him, his voice was frantic and pinched with panic. “Bones there are Klingons on the ship, they’re on the same level as sickbay. Lock it down right now, that’s an order.” 

Before Leo could respond to Jim or whirl around to tell his staff to fucking move, they already were. “How the fuck did they get on the ship?” He barked at Jim while he began to punch in codes that would lock down the bay. He hated doing this. Hated it because that left the rest of the ship basically screwed if they needed to be responded to medically in seconds. But Jim was obviously more worried about them getting killed and then everyone really would be fucked. 

“I don’t know, fuck. I don’t like this.” The last words were directed at the bridge crew he knew, his tone pleading for someone to throw out a theory they could all discuss and dissect and figure out. “We’re on red alert with our shields up and they transported onto my fucking ship.”

There was a tense moment when Leo didn’t know how to respond to Jim - a moment that was broken by shouts and phasers going off too close for Leo’s comfort. “What did they want with us Jim?” Leo asked his voice tight. 

“Medical supplies.” Jim supplied his voice just as tight. “They have no warp capabilities from some fight with a Romulan ship to get some of their own and we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Leo swore harshly. 

“Stay alive, Bones. That’s an order too.” This time, Jim’s worry and panic leaked into his words briefly and Leo had to stop what he was doing for a moment. 

“I’ll try my best, Jim.” 

“I’m on my way down now, check in if things get worse down there. Don’t go off lock down until myself, Spock, or Scotty tell you so.” His captain voice was back now at least and Leo could move again. 

“Aye, captain.” He said curtly before the comm went dead. 

Not even two minutes after his talk with Jim, they heard a loud shout in Klingon too close for comfort and Leo snapped at his team to get the patients into private rooms in the back and to lock them up. He wasn’t about to let them get any more hurt.

Because even though they were locked down, Leo wasn’t optimistic that it would hold. Not if the Klingons could fucking cloak themselves now. 

“Doctor McCoy?” 

Leo whirled around to see Christine Chapel behind him, tight lipped and eyes narrowed in determination. “Yes, Chapel?”

“The patients are secure.” 

He nodded at her curtly. 

And now all they could do was wait, locked away as they heard the fight grow closer and closer to the sickbay doors. They were effectively hidden, though Bones knew if the Klingons got into his sickbay and tried to take his shit, well he wasn’t going to sit in his corner and let it happen. 

Before he could come up with a shaky defense against these Klingons, his comm went off and before he could say a word, Spock’s voice tight with barely concealed panic rang through the room, “Doctor take medical bay off lock down right now, the captain is down.” 

Leo had already launched forward and was jabbing in the proper codes, but the moment Spock said Jim was down, well everything seemed to crack and splinter. This wasn’t the first time over the last five years Jim’s had his ass dragged in here half dead and Leo had to patch him up and save his ass again. But it was how Spock sounded that cause panic to settle in the pit of his stomach and his world to crack. 

It took him longer than he wanted get the sickbay doors to finally open and when they did he had a medical bag in his hand and he was running out into the corridor. As he turned a corner, his feet slid beneath him and when he looked down and saw it was blood - red blood - his panic increased. But he shoved the panic into the recess of his mind violently and forced it to stay there so he could have as clear a head as possible. 

When Leo looked up the panic reared it’s ugly head, but again Leo forced it back. Because he couldn’t waste a second on panic. Not with how much blood pooled underneath Jim. Not with how his mouth was slack and his eyes nearly empty of life. 

He dropped to his knees next to Jim and quickly began to assess what was damaged and what he needed to fix. 

“Bones.” Jim’s voice was barely a whisper and so fucking weak it made Leo move faster. 

“Don’t waste your energy, asshole.” Leo snapped at him. 

In what must’ve been to spite him, Jim chuckled fondly. How he managed to do that in his current state, Leo had no idea. 

He growled, “I mean it.” 

“Mr. Scott was unable to beam the Klingons off the ship in time to stop their final attempts to fire their weapons from succeeding.” Spock’s voice was back to normal above Leo, but that didn’t do anything to soothe him. 

Well that would fucking explain the hole in Jim’s chest. 

Leo wasn’t sure if he could regenerate that fast enough to stop Jim from dying. The realization hit Leo harshly and he found he couldn’t catch his breath. 

Jim seemed to realize this as well because when Leo’s eyes found Jim’s they were heartbroken. “Bones, just hold me please.” Jim spluttered through the blood that filled his mouth now. 

Fuck. 

With shaky movements, Leo gently wrapped his arms around Jim and held the other man to his chest. Blood immediately soaked Leo’s blue uniform shirt and Leo couldn’t breath still. Chapel was gone, no doubt running back to get what they would need to try and save Jim. 

“You’re going to be -”

“Shut up.” Jim snapped at him. “We both know I won’t be.” His words were extremely sluggish now, some too garbled by the blood in Jim’s mouth for Leo to really understand at first. 

Leo’s eyes burned with tears and he looked down at the wound and the amount of blood around Jim in the precious moments it took for him to get the sickbay off lock down. Dammit, he hated that fucking lockdown protocol for this exact fucking reason. A wound like this close to the heart needed to be attended to immediately and in the full three minutes it took for Leo to punch in all the correct code that window had passed. Jim Kirk had no more miracles left in him. 

Despite Jim’s requests, the moment Chapel arrived again with the supplied he would need to try and save Jim’s life, Leo was using them. In a fruitless effort to pull off one last miracle. They were so close to being done, so fucking close, they could do this one more time. The universe fucking owed them - owed Jim especially to make it through this. 

Jim coughed, it was a wet cough and Leo knew that if he looked up from the wound on Jim’s chest that he would see fresh blood dripping down Jim’s chin. 

Spock was somewhere in the background ordering security to sweep the entire level to make sure no Klingons were lingering - that Scotty didn’t miss one that had perhaps cloaked themselves the same way they had cloaked their ship.

The rest of his medical team swirled around him and they were all doing their best to keep Jim alive, to close up the hole in his chest, to repair the damaged tissue and muscles and bone and blood that Jim had lost. 

“Don’t you fucking die on me you asshole.” Leo snapped at Jim, finally breaking free from his momentary lapse of panic. His fingers flew over Jim’s skin doing everything within his power to make sure Jim didn’t die. 

Jim just stared at Leo the whole time, his eyes still heartbroken and defeated and weak and Leo wanted to throttle him for not believing he’d make it. Because Jim Kirk was always fucking optimistic, always believed he would come out alive. But this was a Jim Kirk who over the last five years has been to hell and back, has lost crewmen on missions, has encountered no-win scenarios with their deaths, and a Jim Kirk who knew his limitations. 

And it was apparent that Jim thought he had passed the point of no return before Leo reached him. 

“Leonard.” 

The use of his real name snapped through Leo’s determination and he jerked his head up to look at Jim’s face, at his eyes. In the background he heard the murmurs of the other doctors and nurses about how they couldn’t get the wound to close fast enough and Jim had lost too much blood. 

“Hold me, don’t make me die on this cold fucking floor.” 

Anger spiked in Leo and he glared at Jim. “Stop talking like you’re fucking going to die.”

“McCoy.” It was M’Benga. “He isn’t going to make it. We can’t move him in his current state and we can’t close up his wound fast enough or regenerate blood fast enough to stabilize him. His heart’s too damaged.” 

That was medical talk for really Jim should be dead by now, but he was holding on for the simple fact that if he was going to die it would be in Leo’s arms. 

Leo hated Jim for that. Hated that Jim would ever think he’d ever be okay after watching him die in his arms literally. Watching him slip away unable to do anything more. But with movements that weren’t at all fluid Leo eventually pulled Jim into his arms. 

“You stupid asshole.” Leo murmured brokenly. 

Jim smiled at him weakly. “I love you, Bones.” 

The tears fell from his eyes then, and Leo choked back the sob in his throat. “I love you too, Jim.” His words were so broken he wasn’t sure that Jim even understood him, but his smile grew wider despite his heartbeat slowing with each passing minute told Leo that he had. “Don’t leave me, Jim.” He pleaded. 

“I’m sorry.” Jim whispered in response. “I’m so, sorry.” 

Leo pressed their foreheads together then and as much as he wanted to slam his eyes shut and never see Jim’s face succumb to death he kept them open. Tears shamelessly ran down his face and splashed onto Jim’s cheeks. “I was gonna ask you to marry me.” Leo whispered so only Jim could hear. 

“I would’ve said yes.” Jim said. His chest shuddered from the effort. 

And then Jim’s eyes flashed with pain and Leo watched as Jim felt his heart stop, he watched as Jim’s eyes dimmed with death, he watched as Jim Kirk died in his arms and Leo felt as though his own heart was stopping and he’d join Jim in a matter of moments. But instead a few moments later, Chapel’s hands were gentle on his arms as she loosened his grip on Jim. 

Leo was in too much shock to fight her because Jim was dead. Dead, gone, never going to annoy him early in the mornings on shore leaves, never going to say yes and show Leo that marriage could work, never going to meet Joanna properly, he was never going to do anything ever again. 

M’Benga moved Jim’s body into a body bag but Leo’s eyes stayed fixated on the spot Jim had been laying just moments ago. Where he had been alive moments ago. 

In the background Leo heard Spock report to the bridge that the captain was dead. 

Leo’s world broke apart after that. 

It broke harshly, with jagged edges. Even though Leo lived most of his life without Jim Kirk after nearly ten years, Leo couldn’t picture a future without Jim. He was distantly aware of the fact he was still crying and that Chapel was rubbing soothing circles on his arms as she guided him to sickbay and he recoiled when he realized where she was taking him. 

How could he continue to - to be a doctor if he couldn’t even save his best fucking friend? The man he loved so completely that he couldn’t remember where Jim ended and he started? 

“No!” Leo snapped at Chapel, fighting against her grip as she tried to get him inside sickbay once more. “Don’t fucking put me in that room with Jim.” He continued but then M’Benga was in front of him and there was a sharp sting in his neck. 

As he began to feel sluggish and sleepy, Leo glared at the other man. “You sedated me!” He yelled, shocked.

That was all Leo got out before his world went blissfully black.

\-----

There was a sharp stinging on his cheek and Leo jerked into awareness abruptly and harshly. His chest heaved up and down quickly and his eyes roamed around the room in confusion. He felt a wetness on his cheek and his world crashed around him quickly when he realized why there were tears on his face. 

Jim was dead. 

And suddenly he wanted to back into the darkness and he didn’t even have the energy to spare to yell at whoever slapped him awake. Instead he moved to roll over and plunge himself back to where it didn’t hurt. But before he could move there were hands on his shoulders preventing him from doing it. 

“Bones, Jesus fucking Christ.” Leo was confused when he heard Jim’s voice and even more confused when he saw Jim’s face hover above his and realized that the hands on his shoulders were Jim’s. 

Leo opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. 

“What the fuck were you dreaming about? I’ve been trying to wake you up for almost five fucking minutes.” 

Finally Leo got his vocal chords to work. “You’re dead and I’m hallucinating fucking fantastic.”

Jim’s breath hitched and he looked down at Leo with sudden clarity. His hands immediately moved to touch Leo’s face, to card his fingers through Leo’s hair, and he pressed his body up against Leo’s so that Leo couldn’t tell where he ended and Jim began. 

“It was just a nightmare, Bones.” Jim tried to tell him, to reassure him. 

But that dream had felt too fucking real and Leo couldn’t believe him. He shook his head and tried to roll away from Jim, which caused a flash of pain to cross the other man’s face. “What can I do to convince you that this isn’t a dream, Bones?” There was real worry in Jim’s voice as though he was scared that Leo’s grip on reality had snapped. 

Which is sort of had. 

“You can’t.” He said simply. 

Jim’s face pinched with worry and anger then. “Goddamit, Bones.” And suddenly, Jim rolled away from him and was yanking him out of their bed. He pushed Leo down into his work chair and commanded the lights to turn on. 

Leo flinched from the sudden brightness. 

“Bones, you are not hallucinating or trapped in a dream.” Jim spoke slowly and clearly. “You just got done performing two emergency surgeries not even two hours ago. And you aren’t exactly in your twenties anymore Bones so it took a lot of you to perform surgeries for ten hours straight. You’re just exhausted and it was just a nightmare.” 

As Jim spoke, Leo felt the fog from his fear recede. His hazel eyes were wide as he looked up at Jim and Jim’s expression softened again. “Fuck, that must’ve been a pretty bad dream.” He spoke and reached out to hold Leo’s face in his hand. 

Leo wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about the dream or the fact every time he blind he just saw Jim’s body with a hole in his chest too close to his heart, dying. 

“You’re not dead.” He said brokenly with relief instead. 

Jim nodded and leaned down so his lips brushed against Leo’s forehead, then eyes, then cheeks, and finally his lips. “I’m not dead.” He repeated calmly and sternly. “Now c’mon lets get you back in bed.” 

Leo nodded and allowed Jim to pull him up again. But before Jim could maneuver them back into their bed, Leo wrapped his arm around Jim’s waist and pull him against his chest. His face was pressed against Jim’s shoulder. Leo allowed himself one sob to shudder through his body before he fumbled to kiss Jim’s temple. 

Jim only looked more worried. 

“Bones, should I take you to medical?” He asked hesitantly. 

Leo shook his head. “No, no I’ll be fine Jim.” 

Jim looked doubtful of this. 

When they finally got back into bed, Jim pulled Leo immediately to him. He tucked Leo against him, pressed his face to the top of Leo’s head, and planted a kiss there as he wrapped his arms around him. He made sure Leo’s ear was pressed over his heart. 

His eyes firmly shut, Leo listened to the rhythm of Jim’s heartbeat, basking in how alive it sounded. 

“If you don’t seem better when you wake up, I’m ordering you to take the fucking day off.” Jim murmured into Leo’s hair.

Leo snorted fondly at the words. “You do that, Jim.” 

“Sleep Bones. I promise I’ll still be here and alive when you wake up.” Jim said after a beat of silence. And Leo believed it because the alternative that this was a dream thanks to the sedatives M’Benga shot him up with hurt too much. 

Even if it was, Leo would make sure it lasted forever.


End file.
